Halakhah for Exodus 20:12

(10) And if he [the one spoken against] were his older brother, or his mother's husband or his father's wife, he also transgresses the positive commandment of "honoring," their having been included [in this mitzvah by the addition of "ve'eth", [(Shemoth 20:12): "Honor your father and [ve'eth] your mother," as explained in Kethuvoth 103a)]. How much more so — if, G–d forbid, [he speaks lashon hara] against his father or mother themselves, where he certainly transgresses the positive commandment of honoring father and mother — [is such lashon hara especially egregious]! Aside from all this, he also transgresses (Devarim 27:16): "Cursed is he who demeans his father and his mother" — may Heaven protect us!

The Rambam (Hilchot Mamrim 6:8), Shulchan Aruch (Y.D. 240:19), Aruch Hashulchan (Y.D. 240:42), and Teshuvot Seridei Eish (3:95) urge the parents of grown children to refrain from imposing unnecessary and burdensome demands on their children. Parents should help their children by not making it excessively difficult for them to fulfill the mitzvot of kibbud and mora av va’eim.⁹For examples of when a child is permitted to disregard a parent’s order, see Shulchan Aruch (Y.D. 240:25) and Aruch Hashulchan (Y.D. 240:36 and 45). On the other hand, children must do their utmost to properly fulfill these mitzvot, which the Rambam (ad. loc. 6:1) greatly extols and the Gemara (Kiddushin 30b) compares to honoring and revering Hashem. Given that the Torah, in a rare occurrence, states the reward for this mitzvah of honoring parents (Shemot 20:12), it is very advisable to consider what is at stake when dealing with these matters.

Even though the saying of kaddish and prayers are helpful to [the souls of] the parents, yet they are not the main thing. The most important thing is that the children walk in the path of righteousness, because with that they gain Heavenly favor for their parents. Thus it is written in the holy Zohar: (at the end of the portion Bechukosai) "A son honors his father."¹³Malachi 1:6. This statement is similar to the Divine command "Honor your father and your mother,"¹⁴Exodus 20:12. which teaches [that a son must provide his parents] with food and drink. All this he must do while they are alive. but after their death you might think he is exempt, this is not so. Even after their death it is his duty to honor them even more, for it is written, "Honor your father;" and if the son walks in the path of evil, he surely shows contempt for his father, and disgraces him. But if the son walks in the path of righteousness and acts properly, he certainly honors his father thereby; he honors him in this world in the [eyes] of men, and confers glory on him in the other world in the presence of the Holy One, blessed is He. And the Holy One, blessed is He, has mercy on him and seats him on His Throne of Honor … (end of Zohar text). A person should, therefore, instruct his children to observe one certain mitzvah [with particular care]. If they fulfill [this mitzvah] it counts for more than saying the kaddish. This is also a good course [to follow] for a person who has no sons, only daughters.