פירוש על דברים 21:13

והסירה את שמלת שביה AND SHE SHALL REMOVE THE RAIMENT OF HER CAPTIVITY — the reason is because these are fine clothes, for the women of the heathen peoples adorned themselves in time of war in order to lure others (the enemy) to unchastity with them (Sifrei Devarim 213:1).

AND AFTER THAT THOU MAYEST COME UNTO HER, AND BE HER HUSBAND. The Rabbis have commented in the Sifre:¹⁵Sifre, Ki Theitzei 213 and Yebamoth 48b. “You have no privilege in her except cohabitation.” By this the Rabbis meant to say that betrothal with money or a writ³²This is a document stating. “Be thou betrothed to me,” and if he delivers it to her in the presence of two witnesses, she becomes his lawful wife. Thus, a legally permitted betrothal may be performed by one of those three means: money, a writ, or intercourse (Kiddushin 2a). is not binding on her. Even the cohabitation is not for the purpose of betrothal, since her status is still that of an idolatress upon whom betrothal is not binding; however, Scripture permitted him to cohabit with her.³³Thus, if she refused voluntary conversion at the expiration of the thirty-day mourning period, explained in the preceding verse, she is not legally bound to the man who cohabited with her. And because Scripture states [at the expiration of the thirty-day mourning period], and she shall be thy wife,³⁴In Verse 13 before us. it indicates that she becomes his real wife, and if she commits adultery while living with him, she is to be tried as a married woman. Thus the Rabbis have said in the Gemara of Tractate Kiddushin:³⁵Kiddushin 22a. “And thou wouldest take her to thee to wife.³⁶Verse 11. You have possession of her [through legal marriage],” that is, after following these regulations. And in the Sifre the Rabbis have said,¹⁵Sifre, Ki Theitzei 213 and Yebamoth 48b. “And she shall be thy wife,³⁴In Verse 13 before us. similar to what is stated, her food, her raiment, and her conjugal rights, he shall not diminish.”³⁷Exodus 21:9. If so, she is his wife in all respects seeing that the Torah gave him possession of her.
And in line with the simple meaning of Scripture it appears that he is prohibited from cohabiting with her at all until after he has gone through this entire procedure, this being the sense of the expression, and after that thou mayest come unto her, and be her husband. And that which Scripture stated, and thou desirest her, and thou wouldest take her to thee to wife,³⁶Verse 11. means that he would take her for his wife after [complying with] all these regulations which it will command. Similarly, so that I took her to be my wife³⁸Genesis 12:19. [means that Pharaoh took her to his house to be his wife]. However, in the Gemara of Tractate Kiddushin³⁹Kiddushin 21b. the Rabbis have said that he is permitted to engage in the first cohabitation [even before the procedure prescribed in this section], this being the sense of the expression, and thou wouldest take her to thee to wife.³⁶Verse 11. They interpreted the expression, “And thou shalt bring her home to thy house⁴⁰Verse 12. — this teaches that he is not to coerce her during battle.” The Rabbis connected it with the verse above, and thou wouldest take her to thee to wife [stated in Verse 11] meaning, when thou shalt bring her home to thy house [Verse 12]. Thus he takes her captive in battle and brings her to his home and to his city, and he cohabits with her in order to bring his lustful heart under control,⁴¹See Ezekiel 6:9. and after his first cohabitation she is prohibited to him until he follows through the entire procedure with her. This is the way of the Gemara in many places. But I have seen in the Yerushalmi of Tractate Sanhedrin:⁴²In our text of the Yerushalmi it is found in Makkoth II, 6. “Rabbi Yochanan sent to the Rabbis there [in Babylon],⁴³Rabbi Yochanan was the leading Rabbi of Amoraim in the Land of Israel during the generation following the death of Rabbi Yehudah Hanasi, redactor of the Mishnah. His contemporary in Babylon was Rav, leader of the Academy of Sura. ‘You say two things in the name of Rav which are not so. You say in the name of Rav, a beautiful woman was permitted only for the first cohabitation [prior to the prescribed procedure].’ And I say neither the first cohabitation nor the second is permitted save only after [complying with] all these regulations, [for it is written], and after that thou mayest come unto her, and be her husband — after she has gone through all these prescribed deeds.” And this is the plain sense of the verse.

ובכתה את אביה ואת אמה, to get her father and mother out of her system and reconciling herself to the fact that henceforth she would live in the Land of Israel, have no more contact with her parents. (whether they are dead or alive) Similar wording occurs in Psalms 45,11 שכחי עמך, the psalmist urging the Jewish people, compared to a princess, to forget their former environment and associates as she had been promoted to a loftier position. The prisoner of war described here as embracing Judaism has similarly been promoted to a far superior environment, severing her previous relationships completely. The weeping mentioned in our verse has nothing to do with the death of her parents for we do not kill mothers altogether. She weeps for having no longer a father and mother in the legal sense as these did not convert. Any other convert, not a prisoner of war, would similarly weep for this separation having occurred in her life as a result of her new status.